Readings:

From Paul's letter to the Corinthians: "For now we see 'through a glass darkly,' but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known." (I Cor. 13:12) Note: More modern translations say: 'in a mirror dimly.'

From Peter Fleck's book The Blessings of Imperfection: "We live by the grace of being known to others, lovingly. We give life to other by know them, lovingly. There is a reciprocity, a mutuality of knowing. And it is this mutuality that upholds life."¹

Sermon

When I was a little girl, I was rather shy and spent a lot of time by myself in a fantasy world. But I had a best friend, Sarah, who lived next door and was full of life. Sarah was a year older than me, fearless, adventurous and funny and full of spunk... and seemed to get into a lot of innocent trouble ... much like Dennis the Menace. I loved her. Sarah was able to make me laugh. It was one of the saddest days in my young life when she moved away. That was my first real loss, one which I never forgot.

We all long for close, long-term relationships... whether with spouses or lovers, with friends or family. We all long to be seen for who we are and to see others as they are. We all long for love... both the giving and the getting. This longing is a blessing and a part of what makes us human. But it can create problems as well: How to find friends in the first place when you feel at odds with those around you - whether the differences are real or imagined? How to keep close to those friends we do have in a mobile society when people move often and when ties with family and friends are frequently broken by distance?

Some of us long for a golden age of the past - of small towns or neighborhoods where people knew each other well. Or we long for a golden age of the future, where greed and fear and prejudice fall away and people look for the content of one's character rather than the color of one's skin. Or, I might add, where one's religion, ethnic background or sexual orientation don't matter.

Paul in his letter to the church in Corinth wrote about love and its enduring quality. What I just read about seeing through a glass darkly follows a passage often read at wedding ceremonies. You know, "Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude." I'm sure many of you have heard that one. But this really has nothing to do with marriage. Paul was writing to a congregation about love between God and human beings.

He wrote, "For now we see "through a glass darkly, but then we will see face to face." What he meant was that presently we only see imperfectly. But in a golden future age, when an age of salvation came, that all illusion and pretense would fall away and we would know and be known fully and intimately... at least by God. Yet we like this passage because it is also a good description of ideal love between people.

For those of us who are unsure of God's existence at all, the idea of seeing God face to face is a sheer fantasy. For those of us who see God as the Source of all Creation but an unknowable mystery, knowing God fully is an impossible wish. We feel that only the mystics... or perhaps those who are deluding themselves... can know God. We either envy them or think they're foolish. The only beings whom we can see and who can see us "face to face" are other people. And this is perhaps not such a bad thing... despite the fleeting nature of some friendships.

For certain we all yearn for someone to know us fully ... to love and accept us with all our flaws. We long for someone who can make us laugh despite ourselves. Someone to comfort us when we're afraid or sad, even by their mere presence. Someone we can call on when we're in despair. And someone with whom we can share our deepest secrets ... knowing these will be kept in sacred trust. Someone who will forgive us when we screw up. And someone for whom we can be a true friend, doing the same things in return. Whether this is romantic love or friendship, I think at the base it is the same thing.

The Unitarian Universalist minister Peter Fleck said it well: "We live by the grace of being known to others, lovingly. We give life to other by know them, lovingly."

He wrote, "In a relationship of love there is a continuing finding out about each other, observing and discerning each other, gaining a deeper awareness of each other, which leads to an ever increasing knowing that is truly life giving. It is life giving because what becomes mutually know is each individual's uniqueness, each individual's creativity, each individual's emotional need to give and to receive. All this happens in relationships of love between human beings."

Martin Buber was a Jew philosopher and theologian, born in 1878 in Vienna, Austria. In his book I and Thou, he presents his central concept of reciprocity, which has had a profound affect on many thinkers who followed. He contrasts the relationships of I-Thou and I-It. Most simply put, the "I-Thou" relationship is when we see each other as people, deserving of respect, and not as objects to be used. The "I-It" relationship is where we treat others as ends to our own selfish means or when we treat them as objects. To be in an "I-Thou" relationship with someone is to be totally and honestly open with them... to "walk the narrow ridge" - a difficult place to be. It takes some practice to stay there, like walking on a tight rope. And one can't really stay there for long. Its too easy to fall off that tight rope and to revert to the old ways of being.

How well can we see, really see, and know each other? It is not easy and the values in our modern society work against this. Because of negative emotions like fear or selfishness or prejudice, we see through a glass darkly.

I'm reminded of the Thornton Wilder play "Our Town." You might remember this from high school English. Emily is the teenage girl full of life, whom we see grow up before our eyes during the play. She marries George, her high school sweetheart, and dies a tragic death in childbirth.

After her death, Emily as a ghost still clings to the memory of life and wishes to visit her home at Grover's Corner once again. She returns to the past "on an ordinary day" ... her twelfth birthday. Emily then realizes, sadly, how quickly life passes and how people don't really stop to look at or listen to each other. They just don't pay attention to life and lose these precious moments. She cries out, although no one can hear her, "Let's look at one another." The she says, "The living just don't understand, do they?"

Perhaps lack of communication and appreciation is the human condition. Yet I think our society makes open, loving communication even more difficult than when Thornton Wilder wrote his famous play nearly 70 years ago. Our highly pressured and materialistic society fosters unhealthy "I-It" relationships. Maybe it's because too of us are insecure, feeling that we are judged and valued only for our possessions, our looks or our outward success. And because of our insecurity, we often treat other people like competitors or objects to be used for our own ends. We stereotype them and don't look deeper into their character. Maybe it's our rugged American individualism carried to an extreme. In our Unitarian Universalist churches, we counter that when we speak of the inherent worth and dignity of every person. At least it can serve as a reminder of what's really important.

In 2000, Robert Putnam wrote a popular book called Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. It was how many civic and social groups were shrinking in membership and falling apart. Bridge clubs, NAACP chapters, VFW posts... and churches and synagogues. Although the book was about the decline of organized groups, it's also about the decline of friendships. It is how we as Americans too often relate to others. Is Robert Putnam right? Are we really becoming a nation of those who bowl alone? Is it easier to make pseudo connections through chat rooms and harder to make real connections face to face? I hope it doesn't have to be this way.

The other day on National Public Radio I heard a story about a group of women (I think there were 8 or 9) who had known each other from high school and are now middle-aged. They are all African American, which is only relevant to the story in that they shared a common culture. They were each married (or had been married) and had families of their own. And each year they had a reunion. They got together to do something special. Sometimes it included their families ... like a huge picnic. More often it was by themselves, off in a couple of cars for a few days. Usually it was to a place like Las Vegas or other resort. Just "the girls" together, telling stories, singing and laughing. Of course, because no relationship is perfect, there was occasional friction. But things always seemed to get resolved. These women knew each other so well that it seemed they could all talk at once and still know what the others were saying. Not a good model for listening perhaps, but a touching story.

Apparently, this story touched several people, including me. Wouldn't it be lovely, I thought, to have a group of friends outside my immediate family who saw me as just me? It's something I've thought about from time to time with longing. Judging by the feedback to the radio story, I think I'm not alone in this. Other women called in saying that they, too, longed for such a group of women friends.

To know another person and to be known requires at least three things. The first is the willingness and ability to be open with another person, to risk being known.

In each true relationship is an element of faith. We trust that the other will not harm us or betray us. We trust that through our relationship we may each be changed, but that whatever change happens is for the better...making our lives richer.

The second is the ability to think of the other as a Thou, not an It... as someone of inherent worth, not as an object to be used. It is the willingness to listen deeply, to keep judgment to a minimum and to care. And the third is simply taking the time to devote to nurturing and sustaining friendship.

I took the time a couple of years ago to look up my childhood friend, Sarah. She is now living in Hopkinton, happily married with two children. David and I had dinner with her and her family and I found I liked her again. But too much time had passed and I'm not sure we had that much in common. On the other hand, I wonder what would happen if I just took the time to know her better. I wonder...

"We live by the grace of being known to others, lovingly.
We give life to other by know them, lovingly.
There is a reciprocity, a mutuality of knowing.
And it is this mutuality that upholds life."

O Spirit of Life, Creative Force of the Universe,
We are creatures who live in the world, not isolated from it.
We live in relationship with other people, which change during our lifetime... from infancy to old age.
Help us to see the inherent worth and goodness in ourselves and in others
Help us to know a few good people intimately.
We often see through a glass darkly, but wish otherwise.
We long, at heart, to be known for who we are... without illusion but with love and compassion.
We are most healthy when we can clearly see others... without illusion but with love and compassion.
Help us to nurture our deep relationships.

Amen.