What do you want in life? What do you really need to be happy? We all need certain of things to thrive: shelter, food, clothing, medical care, and security. And some would add, work that's real or a feeling that we can make a difference in the world. But after that, what do you want? I believe, at the heart of it all, we want total acceptance for who we are, with all our flaws. We want understanding. We want love. When we screw up, we want someone to say, "I see that you made a mistake and I may not approve of what you did, but you're still loveable." Even though Unitarian Universalists don't accept the Christian doctrine of Original Sin, most of us struggle with issues of self-esteem. We feel we're flawed and just not "good enough" in some way or another. We don't believe we're loveable. I think that's odd, because anyone who knows a bit our religious history knows that the old time Universalists preached that God is Love, that we're all worthy of divine love. But is that simple message "God is Love"---enough for us today? Is it enough for these modern times of increased stress and anxiety and personal isolation? Most of us (if not all of us) struggle with accepting parts of ourselves. I bet we all experienced rejection or harsh criticism early in life, some of which has left permanent scars. The rejection or criticism may have come from parents or other relatives, teachers or coaches. Somehow we got the message that because we were not perfect, we were unworthy of perfect, unconditional love.
I was a dreamy and sensitive little girl. Although I had moments of joy, I remember how my mother used to criticize me for what she saw as my weaknesses: for crying too easily, for being too quiet and reserved, even for getting colds and getting earaches frequently. She implied I must not have taken care of myself. I don't remember her asking the reason for my tears. And she never seemed to appreciate the thoughtful, imaginative child behind the quiet reserve. I began to see my sensitivity as a basic flaw. It drove me even further into a defensive shell, which took me many years to break out of. It also took years before I realized how my mother's own insecurities caused her behavior toward me. She wanted a "perfect" outgoing and happy child to prove her perfect mothering.
If this sort of harm happens when we are young and impressionable, we believe that it's our fault and that we deserve it. We feel that we are somehow deficient and unworthy. This makes it difficult to feel we are truly loved. We then become our own harshest critics. A sincere compliment will not be believed... or even heard. At other times, even a small gesture of compassion touches us deeply because we are so starved for recognition and kindness. How can we overcome the negative and disabling messages in our heads?
I believe that we can find answers from many insightful writers and teachers who combine psychology with spirituality. Among these is Tara Brach, psychotherapist and teacher of Buddhist meditation. I thank some of you here for telling me about her book, Radical Acceptance; Embracing Our Life with the Heart of a Buddha.
Tara Brach tells us that unless we accept ourselves with all our human flaws, we will never experience true peace and happiness. Unless we look at ourselves with awareness and compassion, we will never be able to break out of our trance of unworthiness to greater freedom.
She begins with a story about a tiger who has been conditioned to live in a limited space. "Mohini was a regal white tiger who lived for many years at the Washington, D.C. National Zoo. For most of those years her home was in the old lion house-a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. Mohini spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters. Eventually, biologists and staff worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released Mohini into her new and expansive environment. But it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet was worn bare of grass. (25)"
Brach goes on, "Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. Entangled in the trance of unworthiness, we grow accustomed to caging ourselves in with self-judgment and anxiety, with restlessness and dissatisfaction. Like Mohini, we grow incapable of accessing the freedom and peace that are our birthright."
However, unlike poor Mohini, we as humans can unlearn these old patterns and unlock our cages. We can free ourselves using our own awareness. We can do this with the help of caring and skilled spiritual guides, and, if the pain is too deep and overwhelming, with psychotherapists. Brach skillfully treats her clients with a combination of talk therapy and mindfulness meditation.
Mindfulness meditation is a practice developed over thousands of years by Mahayana Buddhism. (Mahayana simply means the "Middle Way." It's very practical, this middle path which avoids the extremes of asceticism and hedonism.) The concept behind mindfulness meditation is simple. By sitting quietly, relaxing our bodies and breathing deeply, we allow ourselves to experience things that have remained hidden below the surface of our consciousness. These may be our earliest desires, pains and fears... which our minds have suppressed because they are too uncomfortable to confront. In meditation, one doesn't resist these sensations, emotions and thoughts, but notices them as they come up. We may even name the experience, saying to ourselves "I feel tightness in my throat or chest." Or "I feel fear and sadness."
We do this gently, not judging the physical sensations, emotions or thoughts, not blaming ourselves, just noting them. We may say to ourselves, "Its okay." Or "This, too." If we feel pain as we become more mindful, we may extend compassion to ourselves saying, "May you be free of suffering" and touching the area, say the heart, that feels the pain. Brach calls this willing openness "leaning into the experience." "As we lean into the experience of the moment," she writes,"-releasing our stories and gently holding our pain or desire-Radical Acceptance begins to unfold." Radical Acceptance is genuine acceptance of all parts of ourselves, suspending all judgment and criticism. "The two parts of genuine acceptance-seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion-are as interdependent as the two wings of a great bird. Together, they enable us to fly and be free."
"The wing of clear seeing is often described in Buddhist practice as mindfulness. This is the quality of awareness that recognizes exactly what is happening in our moment-to-moment experience.... The second wing of Radical Acceptance, compassion, is our capacity to relate in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. (28)"
We begin to accept that our flaws are merely the result of being human and not our fault. I should be quick to add that this is not the same as condoning bad behavior. Its not saying that we should act on each impulse, especially if that would be harmful to ourselves or others. Yet bringing our anger, shame and fear to awareness eventually defuses their potency. And through Radical Acceptance, we learn that to accept these negative thoughts and painful emotions. But we also learn that we are more than these thoughts and emotions... as they rise, gain in intensity, then fall and fade away in the stream of our awareness. We learn that nothing is permanent, except the awareness itself.
This process is not easy and it can be painful. It involves a great amount of trust in ourselves, in our ability to heal and in our innate wisdom. Brach warns us that if we find this too difficult to do alone, if our meditation raises painfully overwhelming feelings or memories, we should seek professional help.
Americans are such proud individualists that we often try to do too much on our own. So Brach also recommends practicing group meditation with a skilled teacher.
At the end of each chapter, Brach gives us a guided meditation which addresses the chapter's theme. They are all wonderful, but the ones I liked best were two at the end of the chapter "Awakening Compassion for Ourselves." I found the first to be touching, and the second deeply spiritual. In the first, "Becoming the Holder of Suffering," we are helped to extend care to ourselves, to hold our own lives with a loving heart. She suggests that we "might silently say, 'May I be free from suffering' or as Thich Nhat Hanh suggest, 'Darling, I care about this suffering.' As you continue to offer your caring prayers you might also place your hand on your check or your heart, letting the tenderness of your touch express compassion. (217)"
But offering compassion to ourselves may not be enough. As Brach describes it: "There are times we feel alone and afraid and wish we could curl up in the lap of the Buddha or some other manifestation of love and wisdom. When you long to be held in this way, allow yourself to reconnect with your own awakened heart by first reaching to whatever you experience as the Beloved, the embodiment of compassion. (219)"
In the meditation "Invoking the Presence of the Beloved," she helps us do just that. In it, she suggests that we "Bring to mind the image or sense of a person, a spiritual figure or a deity you associate with compassion. You may see the face of your grandmother or your dearest friend. You may see an image of the Buddha, Kwan Yin or Christ, or you may call to mind an all-merciful God. With a silent prayer, ask this being to be present with you. You may experience the being gazing at you with unconditional love. ... Now imagine this being's presence as a radiant and boundless field of light. Visualize and feel that you are surrounded by this warm luminosity, held in this being's loving embrace. See how fully you can surrender, letting your hurt and fear, pain and sorrow dissolve into this merciful presence. Allow your entire body, heart and mind to release into and merge with this loving presence. (219)"
Through this experience, our hearts soften, open and expand. We forgive ourselves for being human. We feel greater compassion for ourselves, saying perhaps "I see how I've caused myself suffering and I forgive myself now." If we have harmed others, whether intentionally... through our anger... or unintentionally through our insensitivity and carelessness, we become aware of this and mentally ask for their forgiveness. And our hearts expand to feel compassion for their suffering.
We may think next of the suffering of those who have hurt us. Although this may take more practice and time... perhaps even years, we extend our forgiveness and our compassion to them as well. I am blessed that I was able to do this with my mother, although I never had the chance to tell her before her death. We may also send our thoughts of loving-kindness to others, to strangers... to all people and all beings everywhere.
In the end, we realize that everyone shares to some degree or other the burden of suffering. It's part of the messiness of life. Nationality, religion, race, gender and class don't matter. There is only the suffering ... and the pure awareness which we all share. And although it may be more hidden in some, in each of us resides innate goodness. By realizing these truths, we free ourselves from our mental cages. We see that we are interconnected and we feel at peace and at home in the wider world.
"Through the simple practice of seeing our own goodness," Brach writes, "we undo the deeply rooted habits of blame and self-hate that keep us feeling isolated and unworthy. The contemporary Indian master Bapuji lovingly reminds us to cherish our goodness:
My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come, your time.
To live, to celebrate and to see the goodness that you are...
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
If one comes, even in the name of "Truth," forgive it for its unknowing.
Do not fight.
Let go.
And breathe-into the goodness that you are.
To that I say "Amen. And Blessed Be."
Tara Brach, Ph.D., Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of the Buddha, New York: Bantam Books, 2003