From Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, the German poet who lived from 1875 to 1926 - Translated by Stephen Mitchell. So please excuse the male pronouns.

It is ... good to love because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being; that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love; it is something they must learn. With their whole beings, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating hearts, they must learn to love. ... Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person - it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances.

Love is not for the faint-hearted. I think I can speak from experience because David and I have been married a long time. We happily celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this past week. We're happy not because our marriage is flawless, but because we've met the challenges of marriage. I think we've grown as people because of it... "ripening" as the poet Rilke put it. "It is good to love because love is difficult," he wrote.

Romantic love, the love we celebrate on Valentine's Day, ain't easy. The passage we read from I Corinthians is often chosen by couples for their wedding ceremonies. "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude." This passage is popular because it rings true! People talk about falling in love as if it were as easy as falling off a log. As if love is the most natural thing in the world. Well, it is and it isn't.

For sure, we are born "wired" for relationships. We need love and it's certainly easy enough to become infatuated with a person who attracts us. But us older... and, hopefully, wiser folks know falling in love is easy, but it may be hard to stay in love... or more to the point, to stay happily in a long term relationship. This can be for any number of reasons. It's mere infatuation and/or the other person isn't the right person... or you're just not ready. Rilke is right to have said, "That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love; it is something they must learn."

Wise and experienced folks know that staying in love... or staying in a relationship for the long haul is work. Staying for the long haul requires many virtues... maturity, patience, sensitivity to the needs and desires of your partner.

I think any loving relationship requires trust. For to expose yourself to love is to make yourself vulnerable to disappointment, to loss, to betrayal. It requires trust in the other person; trust in yourself and in the whole dynamic of the relationship. It's trust based on open and honest communication. It's trust that you will be true to each other. Trust that you will stick by each other in times of need and will stay together despite conflicts and obstacles. And out of this trust comes a hope and expectation that each of you will be nurtured by your love and friendship. And that in the end, no matter what life throws at you. all will be well.

When David and I first met, one thing that attracted me was I knew instinctively I could trust him. And he has proven me right. Despite some mother-in-law conflicts, despite the ups and downs of child-rearing and various health problems, I think we have a good, solid marriage.

Another virtue required in a long term relationship is courage. As I said, there is risk involved in any relationship. We all know it's easier to run away when things get rocky... and running away may have crossed your mind if you've had tough times. It takes courage; it takes nerve to stay and to work things out.

A note of realism here. On one hand, I don't believe that all marriages or serious partnerships are made in heaven. A bad marriage, especially where there is emotional or physical abuse, is not something that one should keep together at all costs. I simply don't believe in "till death do us part" no matter what. On the other hand, I think people should not give up easily on a basically good relationship.

Rev. Linda Hansen, in an old issue of the UU World (September/October 2003), writes about how it is trust and hope that make us most human. It's our ability to connect to others that makes us good human beings, that enables us to love, to form friendships, and to form communities. Without those connections, we are lost. We lose our moral center. Living alone on a desert island or living a monastic, ascetic life in a cave on bread and water does not make us holy or virtuous. It makes us isolated, miserable human beings.

As the poet Rilke wrote, "It is good to love because love is difficult. ... It is a high inducement for the individual to ripen... to become world in himself (or herself) for the sake of another person." It brings out the best in us... the most human part of us.

A recent issue of Time magazine (January 28, 2008) featured several articles on romance. On the cover is the title "The Science of Romance; Why we need love to survive." Its main message is that we are wired to give and receive love and affection. And we need romance and enduring relationships in our lives for many reasons. It's not just for sex, for procreation and the raising of children. It's also for the warmth and the physical and emotional support we get from close ties with adults.

Experts seem to echo Rilke when they say that although falling in love may seem like the most natural thing in the world, romantic love is a skill that is acquired through years of maturation and experience. It takes a whole young lifetime, an infancy, childhood and adolescence, to learn this love.

In one of the Time articles, titled Young Love. Tiffany Sharples writes:

"From the moment we're born-when the world is mostly sensation, and nothing much matters beyond a full belly, a warm embrace and a clean diaper-until we finally emerge into adulthood and understand the rich mix of tactile, sexual and emotional experiences that come with loving another adult, we are in a constant state of learning and rehearsing. Along with language, romance may be one of the hardest skills we'll ever be called on to acquire. But while we're more or less fluent in speech by the time we're 5, romance takes a lot longer."

I was a fairly shy young girl who was not very brave or trusting when it came to people outside my family. It was only after I became an adolescent that I gained some courage around people. I developed a better sense of myself and began to learn that some people... including some boys... were in fact trustworthy. As I developed greater courage and a sense of trust, I began to hope. I hoped that when I became a young adult that I too could find true friendship and an everlasting love.

Of course, I admit I'm speaking from the perspective of a heterosexual. I can't imagine the extra challenges there are for gay and lesbian youth... although I got an inkling when I spoke with a support group for gay and lesbian teens while I was a ministerial intern. But I know at heart is the same desire... to find true love.

As Rilke wrote, "For one human being to love another human being; that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation."

Of course, those of us who lived through adolescence know how difficult this whole process of learning about love can be. Dating can be exhilarating, but also downright scary. We're trying to figure out not only who we are, but how we should relate to others... especially to those who are the objects of our teen affection. We worry about our appearance and about being cool. First we flirt. And then we sweat over the next step. "Will I be asked out?" Or "Should I ask him or her out and risk rejection?" (Back in my day, it was the boys who took that risk. A girl would be called too pushy if she did the asking.) If you get that date, you worry, "How do I act?" and "How will he (or she) act?" And you worry ... especially if you're a girl... about your reputation. It's a scary and complicated thing indeed. Teen romance tends to be very brief. We often retreat back to the safety of the crowd ... or talking (or texting) with our best friends.

As Sharples observed:

"Adults often lament the love they had and lost in high school and wonder what would have happened if they had met just a few years later. But the only way to acquire the skills to conduct a lifetime relationship is to practice on ones you may destroy in the process. 'Kids don't really have a sense of working to preserve a relationship... Adolescence is time for experimentation.'"

The dance of approach and avoidance, approach and avoidance. This is all just rehearsal for the real thing later on.

This thing we call real love, lasting love, is not for the faint of heart. It takes guts. It takes trust and courage and practice. But in the end, if we succeed, we know it's worth it. For having and holding a partner in love can be pure poetry. It's really something of a miracle and a glimpse of the holy. For it is in our deepest human relationships of love and mutual care that we can see the face of the divine.

Perhaps poets can express this sense better than I can. I offer you this Hawaiian wedding song:

Here all seeking is over,
the lost has been found,
a mate has been found
to share the chills of winter-
now Love asks
that you be united.
Here is a place to rest,
a place to sleep,
a place in heaven.
Now two are becoming one,
the black night is scattered.
the eastern sky grows bright.
At last the great day has come!

May you all be blessed with love... whether romantic love or the love of good friends and companions... now or in the future.

May you all have a happy Valentine's Day.

Hansen, Linda. "The Journey Toward Hope" in UU World, Vol. XVII No. 5 (September/October 2003): 27-33.

Rilke, Rainier Maria. "Letters to a Young Poet" in Into the Garden: A Wedding Anthology. Robert Hass & Stephen Mitchell, eds. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1993; HarperPerennial, 1994: 21.

Sharples, Tiffany. "Young Love" in Time, Vol. 171, Nov. 4 (January 28, 2008): 93-96.